Mi Calle Triste...En Memoria de Mama

So, last night I was listening to music on my iPod, mainly Latin music like Aventura and Monchy y Alexandra. When I finished listening to all the music I had by those two bands, I decided to play some oldies from a mixed playlist. It was 12:59am and the song "Mi Calle Triste" by Comboy Estevez was playing. I remembered my mom telling me it was my grandmother's favorite song. Suddenly I realized, 3 years ago, on the dawning of June 30th, my grandmother had passed away. I can't believe how time flies. Three years ago, I was just a child and now I'm an adult. Yet, everytime I think of my grandmother, I still shed some tears. I still can't believe she's really gone.

Mama, te quiero tanto y me haces mucha falta. Nada ha sido igual desde que te fuiste. Esta cancion la toco para ti en tu memoria:

"Esta calle al final tiene su nombre por compartir conmigo mis sufrimientos. Ella se fue, todo murio, todo acabo, ya nada existe. Ella vive igual que yo, mi calle triste"

My Soul is Priceless

How come everytime I get really upset--heartbroken, actually--I shut out the rest of the world and cry. At the moment, I can't even think straight; flashbacks and memories just run through my mind, replaying moments that led to my blues. And I cry and I cry and they all ask me, "Why?" And I can't answer because it's to soon to know. I need to finish crying, get a headache, and wake up a few hours later in order to know why I'm crying. I always know, while crying, what set off the crying, what started the crying, but what ignites my crying is simply just the finger triggering the gun. It can happen by accident, at any time, in any circumstance.

The reason for crying is much deeper. It's held in, unexpressed, unreleased, protected. And until I let it out physically, I can't let it out verbally. So when I cry, it's no use asking me how I feel--obviously I'm upset and I can't make any sense.

Patience is so important in dealing with my emotions. "Time is money?" Well, I believe there is something much deeper and beyond the physical world. Time may be money in this physical world, but damn it, I have a soul. Money has no value in the spiritual world. I think my biggest contrast to everyone else I know is that they live immersed in the physical world, whereas I sit on a cloud in a spiritual world. And no matter how much I try to get loved ones to come over into the world I live in, they don't. Maybe they can't see that I want them to crossover into the better world because we live in two different worlds.

It's frustrating to see the people I love suffer stuck in the world which glorifies the material and superficial; meanwhile, I'm almost completely happy: my soul is radiant, my heart is healing, but my mind stays baffled! I guess that's due to the part of me that exists in the physical, as in my physical body and its ties to the important people in my life.

Song of the Day: "Solitude" by Billie Holiday

Butterflies in My Notebook

This is so dangerous
I keep dropping needles on my carpet
and walking barefoot...

You carry me around
And I'm dropping needles
on the hardwood floor
No shoes on
Hoping, in your arms, I'm secure

Walking side-by-side
barefoot
on the bare cold floor
with scattered needles and shreds of the old carpet
Unafraid of all possible wounds
Because any cuts can be stitched

Yeah, any cut can be stitched

Because there's needles everywhere
And we have so much skin

If I Could Be Like Billie Holiday...

Sooo, the shower is my official stage. Seriously. I love to sing in the shower. Why? Well, because it's liberating. So it's no surprise that I was singing in the shower today. And I was totally singing the blues, which happens to be my favorite type of music. There's just something about jazz and the blues that can calm me down and make me appreciate life. So I decided to make a list of some of my favorite songs from this genre. Lemme share it with you all, in no specific order:

1. "Good Morning Blues" - Billie Holiday (my fave singer!)
2. "La Vie en Rose" - Marlene Dietrich (we share the same first name!)
3. "This Can't Be Love" - Dinah Washington
4. "That Old Black Magic" - Sarah Vaughan
5. "The Other Woman" - Nina Simone
6. "Smile" - Madeleine Peyroux
7. "Keepin' Out of Mischief Now" - Dinah Washington
8. "Ac-Cent-U-Ate the Positive" - Charlie Spivak & His Orchestra
9. "Baby It's Cold Outside" -Ray Charles
10. "I Only Know" - Dinah Washington
11. "It Might As Well Be Spring" - Blossom Dearie (in French)
12. "Can't We Be Friends" - Ella Fitzgerald & Louis Armstrong
13. "Reckless Blues" - Madeleine Peyroux
14. "The Nearness of You" - Nancy Wilson
15. "This Time The Dream's on Me" - Nancy Wilson
16. "Tell Me More and More and Then Some" - Nina Simone
17. "The Man I Love" - Ella Fitzgerald
18. "The End of a Love Affair" - Billie Holiday
19. "No Good Man" - Billie Holiday
20. "You Hit the Spot" - Ella Fitzgerald
21. "We'll Be Together Again" - Billie Holiday
22. "The Very Thought of You" - Nat King Cole
23. "When I Fall in Love" - Nat King Cole
24. "Yes Sir, That's My Baby" - Etta James
25. "Easy Living" - Dinah Washington
26. "Midnight Sun" - Ella Fitzgerald

I know I put so many songs by Billie Holiday, Ella Fitzgerald, Dinah Washington and Nina Simone, but those four beautiful ladies dominated (and continue to dominate) the jazz/blues genre. They sang with so much emotion, heart and soul.

Over a year ago

"I feel like there isn’t anyone willing to listen to all I have to say. Everyone is so busy with what’s on the surface that they don’t look into my eyes and realize that something is wrong. And it’s not like I need everyone to listen to everything. Even if it’s one person listening to some part of it, someone else to another part, that’d be perfectly fine with me. I just need to get it all out. I’ve been bottling it all up since a very young age; I’ve never been able to actually trust anyone. It’s starting to get in the way of a lot of things in my life. I used to cry a lot when I was little; it was my way of releasing stress, anger, sadness, etc. I find it so hard to shed a genuine tear nowadays, as if my eyes had been wrapped in plastic and filled with sand. As if some force forbid my eyes to well up and let out a teardrop or two. As if my pain isn’t anything, as if I were numb to my own feelings, suffering, hurt. Sick, and there’s no medicine to ease my symptoms. Diseased, and there’s no cure. Oppressed, and no one to rescue me.
So, here I am dying on the inside, and I can’t let out a single tear…"

I wrote that in my journal over a year ago, when I was feeling really empty inside. At the time, I felt like I had not even one true friend, despite all the people in my life. It's funny how you can be surrounded by lots of people and get along great with most of them, but when you really need to vent there's no one there to listen and allow you to cry. I realized that in order for me to have any true friends, I have to truly be friends with myself. Consciously and subconsciously, I started a process of self-healing. I started writing a lot more than before. I started looking at everything differently, and I really mean EVERYTHING! The littlest and/or strangest things and even mundane, ordinary things would inspire a spark of creativity in me and it wasn't because those things were great; it was because I allowed my mind to see things in a different light, from a different angle. I started to change in so many ways, letting go of so many negative feelings about life and just living it and improving it. There are many things in life that you can't control, but you can always control your mentality and outlook! The new positive outlook brought so many wonderful things, people, moments and opportunities into my life. It's amazing! It's over a year later, and I must say, I've never felt better!

If there are two things I'd like you to learn from my experience, it's that it's important to truly love and respect yourself and that you should always try to see the brighter side of things. It's much more beautiful to look at! =)

Rebel Against Society

I'm rebelling against society
Because I'm sick of the rules;
You can't satisfy one
Without breaking another.
Only God can judge me
And I have faith
In the brain He gave me
And the wisdom with which He supplied me.
I'm trying to start a revolution:
See everyone's greedy,
They want the power to control others
But they can't even control themselves!
They call you a slut, a fag, or demon's child
But if they look at their reflection,
They turn to stone.
They call you fat, too skinny, too tall or short,
But if you poke them in the soul,
They crumble like a sand fort.
They fail to realize
That for each ounce of blood they make you shed,
They lose about two.
They judge your soul
And kill their own.

I'm a rebel against society,
Or so I've been told...