Accustomed to Costume

Sometimes I really wonder when I can give up this disguise.
Running around everywhere
Feeling so out of place.
When people see me smile, they don't know
That behind each smile lies a struggle
To tune out the unfair and
The insecurity of believing
No one cares...
Saying is different from showing.
Everyone wears a disguise
It's all about who tells
The best lies...

Currently

Currently
I can't think about anything else
While you think about everything else
Do you really wonder what goes on in my mind?
Or is asking just one of your signature lines?
I wonder how your mind works and it makes me anxious
Funny how you used to say the same thing
Roles always switch
My eyes sometimes twitch
Sometimes I seem like a...sigh
But put yourself in my uncomfortable shoes
And remember that once that used to be you
Sometimes, lies turn out to be true
Like how I told myself I wouldn't,
And I'd figured that I couldn't
But it just so turns out I do.
Sometimes I may overreact
But I cannot help it when you're the one performing the act
I'm always told to open up
But when I finally do, I'm interrupted
Constantly interrupted
And then I'm asked how I feel
Well, I--
Nevermind.
Don't wanna waste my time.

Aveces

Aveces
Sometimes
I confuse myself sometimes
That kinda thing pisses me off
I never know what's going on
Sporadic thoughts just embrace my head
I get lost when I think ahead
I don't know what the future holds
What does that even mean?
Am I supposed to know?
Sporadic thoughts triggering this lead
I don't know what I'm writing
I just hold the pen
Sometimes I chew on the cap
Sometimes I go tap! tap!
Sometimes I drop the pen or pencil
Sometimes I drop a thought on a piece of paper
And forget it's there
When I pick it up, I shed a tear
Aveces, yo siento frio
Is it just me, or is it cold in here?
I'm not cold, I'm hot
I'm not old, I'm a tot
I wanna save the world from self-destruction
But too many people are subconsciously suicidal
"I f*cking hate my life"
A pen and paper can't save lives.
Well, maybe it can
At least...this one time.

Raining Inside and Out

It's like when you're in bed hidden under your covers and you're sniffling and your eyes get watery and you try really hard not to cry because you share a room with a sibling and if they were to know that you're crying it'd be more embarrassing than the reason why you're crying in the first place so you try to stay as quiet and as still as possible under the shield created by your covers but you really can't control it any longer so the tears just well up and start to creep sideways off of your cheeks and onto your pillow and you sniffle even louder than before and this time the sound of the sniffle implies that watery mucus has made its way through your nasal passageways and into your nostrils as is the case when one is crying but you still attempt to control it by not sniffling but all the mucus builds up in your nostrils and unless you sniffle it will be all over your pillow flirting with the salty tears which have also fallen off your face and you try to think happy thoughts but everything somehow relates back to the reason for which you are crying and you sniffle again slowly as if that makes it quieter but your sibling hears you and asks if you are crying and you simply reply with an uhn-uh and they either believe you and go back to sleep or they don’t believe you and look towards you for a few seconds then go back to sleep and you just lie still trying not to sniffle anymore until eventually you get a headache from all the emotional-turned-physical stress and you let a few last tears out and fall asleep and when you wake up in the morning you stay in bed quiet with your head fully uncovered and as if nothing had ever happened. Love, of any kind, is like that.

So Describes Me...

So I really am a shy girl, but I'm learning to open up a little more each day! =)

I took the "flower symbolism" quiz on gURL.com
		my romance flower is a gardenia Do you have a hard time talking to your sweetie about your feelings? Do you get tongue-tied around your crush? If so, your flower is the gardenia. Read more... What kind of flower symbolizes your romance?

Smile! =)

I recently realized that although many try, the only person who can put a smile on my face is myself. I just have to decide whether to smile or not. I can't expect anyone else to make me smile, especially if I can't make myself smile. Likewise, I can't make anyone else smile if I can't make myself smile. I have full control of my life, with many surprises that God throws my way. I control my destiny. I refuse to be vulnerable to anything, especially love for someone else. I must love myself completely first. Then, I will love with all that is left over. If I don't care for myself, who will? I refuse to define myself through someone else. I do believe it is possible to love without losing your true self. In fact, love can make you lose your outer shell and make your inner soul strong enough to not need a façade. To me, vulnerability means compromising your true self, true being. I refuse to do that; I can't do that. The only thing I can compromise is what appears on the surface. And ultimately, surface feelings, appearances, behaviors, actions, moods, etc. are neither important nor vital to my survival.

Nothing Is Good For You

She's back in that dream again
She's back in that Nothing land...

Nothing ever goes my way
Nothing is what I get these days
Nothing in my pockets
Nothing in my hands
Nothing will change this unpleasant scene
Nothing to cover my eyes with
Nothing will prevent disease
Nothing will comfort and ease
Nothing is as sweet as that kiss on the cheek
Nothing is warm
Nothing is neat
Nothing makes me smile
Nothing's here to visit...and it'll stay for a while
Nothing is great!
Nothing is wonderful!
Nothing I do goes well!
Nothing does what I intend it to do!
Nothing!
You hear me?! NOTHING!
Because Something is too much
And Everything's a waste
And Anything can go wrong
So ask God for Nothing
Trust me, it's magnificent
Nothing is magnificent!
So I shall ask for Nothing
And I shall receive Nothing
I shall want Nothing
I shall need Nothing
Nothing is greater than Anything great could be

Nothing will save me
And it'll save you too
If you let NOTHING
Come between Heaven and you....

Robotic Chicken with Marital Problems?

I had the strangest dream a few nights ago. It totally reminded me of how awesomely random my mind can be!

So in my dream, I was inside an apartment. I was standing at the doorway of a bedroom looking out into the living room. The backside of the main couch was faced towards the doorway of the bedroom. Two human-sized robotic chickens had gotten up from the couch and started having a domestic argument! One was a female and the other was a male. The male was wearing a white baseball cap with the letters "BB" on it and his mouth was more like a mouth-shaped cage. He kept shooting giant yellow plastic BB pellets everytime he opened his mouth to yell or talk. The female chicken kept yelling at him, "Stop it!" But he couldn't stop because his mouth-cage stored many of those BB pellets and they kept shooting automatically.

If this dream was about humans having a domestic argument, it would've been quite a distressing dream. But the fact that it was two robotic chickens going at it made it quite comical and hilarious! Geez, I love my brain!

P.S. If anyone can analyze this dream, please feel free to do so. And let me know what you conclude! =P

I'm Sorry...Not Really

I’m sorry...

1. that I want so much
2. that I care
3. that I have hope
4. that I can’t give up
5. that I try
6. that I want to live
7. that I want to be perfect
8. that I don’t know what perfect is
9. that I don’t want to be a copy
10. that I want to be unique
11. that I cry
12. that I scream
13. that I want to be known
14. that I want to be understood
15. that I know the difference between being known and being understood
16. that I blame myself
17. that I blame everyone else
18. that I can’t seem to stay still
19. that I feel trapped
20. that I accuse others of enclosing me
21. that I feel left out
22. that I don’t belong
23. that I can’t find what I’m looking for
24. that I spill things
25. that I drop things
26. that I have to fix other people’s spelling errors
27. that I know how to
28. that I don’t give a damn
29. that I keep making this list longer
30. that I want attention
31. that I feel neglected
32. that I feel abandoned
33. that I feel neglected
34. that I said that twice
35. that I don’t know what to do
36. that I do whatever it is I do
37. that I want to grow up
38. that I want to stay young
39. that I obsess over things
40. that I over-analyze
41. that I…lower my head in disappointment and shame
42. that I like to be prepared
43. that I never stop
44. that I don’t know when to stop
45. that I am poor
46. that I like to be proper
47. that I am under pressure
48. that I can’t resist
49. that I don’t give in
50. that I contradict myself
51. that I don't look like you
52. that I don't want to look like you
53. that I wish I could live like a queen
54. that I refuse not to be me
55. that I am my own worst enemy
56. that I would never let you get the best of me
57. that I can keep on going with this list
58. that I don't have nearly enough time for this...

Mi Calle Triste...En Memoria de Mama

So, last night I was listening to music on my iPod, mainly Latin music like Aventura and Monchy y Alexandra. When I finished listening to all the music I had by those two bands, I decided to play some oldies from a mixed playlist. It was 12:59am and the song "Mi Calle Triste" by Comboy Estevez was playing. I remembered my mom telling me it was my grandmother's favorite song. Suddenly I realized, 3 years ago, on the dawning of June 30th, my grandmother had passed away. I can't believe how time flies. Three years ago, I was just a child and now I'm an adult. Yet, everytime I think of my grandmother, I still shed some tears. I still can't believe she's really gone.

Mama, te quiero tanto y me haces mucha falta. Nada ha sido igual desde que te fuiste. Esta cancion la toco para ti en tu memoria:

"Esta calle al final tiene su nombre por compartir conmigo mis sufrimientos. Ella se fue, todo murio, todo acabo, ya nada existe. Ella vive igual que yo, mi calle triste"

My Soul is Priceless

How come everytime I get really upset--heartbroken, actually--I shut out the rest of the world and cry. At the moment, I can't even think straight; flashbacks and memories just run through my mind, replaying moments that led to my blues. And I cry and I cry and they all ask me, "Why?" And I can't answer because it's to soon to know. I need to finish crying, get a headache, and wake up a few hours later in order to know why I'm crying. I always know, while crying, what set off the crying, what started the crying, but what ignites my crying is simply just the finger triggering the gun. It can happen by accident, at any time, in any circumstance.

The reason for crying is much deeper. It's held in, unexpressed, unreleased, protected. And until I let it out physically, I can't let it out verbally. So when I cry, it's no use asking me how I feel--obviously I'm upset and I can't make any sense.

Patience is so important in dealing with my emotions. "Time is money?" Well, I believe there is something much deeper and beyond the physical world. Time may be money in this physical world, but damn it, I have a soul. Money has no value in the spiritual world. I think my biggest contrast to everyone else I know is that they live immersed in the physical world, whereas I sit on a cloud in a spiritual world. And no matter how much I try to get loved ones to come over into the world I live in, they don't. Maybe they can't see that I want them to crossover into the better world because we live in two different worlds.

It's frustrating to see the people I love suffer stuck in the world which glorifies the material and superficial; meanwhile, I'm almost completely happy: my soul is radiant, my heart is healing, but my mind stays baffled! I guess that's due to the part of me that exists in the physical, as in my physical body and its ties to the important people in my life.

Song of the Day: "Solitude" by Billie Holiday

Butterflies in My Notebook

This is so dangerous
I keep dropping needles on my carpet
and walking barefoot...

You carry me around
And I'm dropping needles
on the hardwood floor
No shoes on
Hoping, in your arms, I'm secure

Walking side-by-side
barefoot
on the bare cold floor
with scattered needles and shreds of the old carpet
Unafraid of all possible wounds
Because any cuts can be stitched

Yeah, any cut can be stitched

Because there's needles everywhere
And we have so much skin

If I Could Be Like Billie Holiday...

Sooo, the shower is my official stage. Seriously. I love to sing in the shower. Why? Well, because it's liberating. So it's no surprise that I was singing in the shower today. And I was totally singing the blues, which happens to be my favorite type of music. There's just something about jazz and the blues that can calm me down and make me appreciate life. So I decided to make a list of some of my favorite songs from this genre. Lemme share it with you all, in no specific order:

1. "Good Morning Blues" - Billie Holiday (my fave singer!)
2. "La Vie en Rose" - Marlene Dietrich (we share the same first name!)
3. "This Can't Be Love" - Dinah Washington
4. "That Old Black Magic" - Sarah Vaughan
5. "The Other Woman" - Nina Simone
6. "Smile" - Madeleine Peyroux
7. "Keepin' Out of Mischief Now" - Dinah Washington
8. "Ac-Cent-U-Ate the Positive" - Charlie Spivak & His Orchestra
9. "Baby It's Cold Outside" -Ray Charles
10. "I Only Know" - Dinah Washington
11. "It Might As Well Be Spring" - Blossom Dearie (in French)
12. "Can't We Be Friends" - Ella Fitzgerald & Louis Armstrong
13. "Reckless Blues" - Madeleine Peyroux
14. "The Nearness of You" - Nancy Wilson
15. "This Time The Dream's on Me" - Nancy Wilson
16. "Tell Me More and More and Then Some" - Nina Simone
17. "The Man I Love" - Ella Fitzgerald
18. "The End of a Love Affair" - Billie Holiday
19. "No Good Man" - Billie Holiday
20. "You Hit the Spot" - Ella Fitzgerald
21. "We'll Be Together Again" - Billie Holiday
22. "The Very Thought of You" - Nat King Cole
23. "When I Fall in Love" - Nat King Cole
24. "Yes Sir, That's My Baby" - Etta James
25. "Easy Living" - Dinah Washington
26. "Midnight Sun" - Ella Fitzgerald

I know I put so many songs by Billie Holiday, Ella Fitzgerald, Dinah Washington and Nina Simone, but those four beautiful ladies dominated (and continue to dominate) the jazz/blues genre. They sang with so much emotion, heart and soul.

Over a year ago

"I feel like there isn’t anyone willing to listen to all I have to say. Everyone is so busy with what’s on the surface that they don’t look into my eyes and realize that something is wrong. And it’s not like I need everyone to listen to everything. Even if it’s one person listening to some part of it, someone else to another part, that’d be perfectly fine with me. I just need to get it all out. I’ve been bottling it all up since a very young age; I’ve never been able to actually trust anyone. It’s starting to get in the way of a lot of things in my life. I used to cry a lot when I was little; it was my way of releasing stress, anger, sadness, etc. I find it so hard to shed a genuine tear nowadays, as if my eyes had been wrapped in plastic and filled with sand. As if some force forbid my eyes to well up and let out a teardrop or two. As if my pain isn’t anything, as if I were numb to my own feelings, suffering, hurt. Sick, and there’s no medicine to ease my symptoms. Diseased, and there’s no cure. Oppressed, and no one to rescue me.
So, here I am dying on the inside, and I can’t let out a single tear…"

I wrote that in my journal over a year ago, when I was feeling really empty inside. At the time, I felt like I had not even one true friend, despite all the people in my life. It's funny how you can be surrounded by lots of people and get along great with most of them, but when you really need to vent there's no one there to listen and allow you to cry. I realized that in order for me to have any true friends, I have to truly be friends with myself. Consciously and subconsciously, I started a process of self-healing. I started writing a lot more than before. I started looking at everything differently, and I really mean EVERYTHING! The littlest and/or strangest things and even mundane, ordinary things would inspire a spark of creativity in me and it wasn't because those things were great; it was because I allowed my mind to see things in a different light, from a different angle. I started to change in so many ways, letting go of so many negative feelings about life and just living it and improving it. There are many things in life that you can't control, but you can always control your mentality and outlook! The new positive outlook brought so many wonderful things, people, moments and opportunities into my life. It's amazing! It's over a year later, and I must say, I've never felt better!

If there are two things I'd like you to learn from my experience, it's that it's important to truly love and respect yourself and that you should always try to see the brighter side of things. It's much more beautiful to look at! =)

Rebel Against Society

I'm rebelling against society
Because I'm sick of the rules;
You can't satisfy one
Without breaking another.
Only God can judge me
And I have faith
In the brain He gave me
And the wisdom with which He supplied me.
I'm trying to start a revolution:
See everyone's greedy,
They want the power to control others
But they can't even control themselves!
They call you a slut, a fag, or demon's child
But if they look at their reflection,
They turn to stone.
They call you fat, too skinny, too tall or short,
But if you poke them in the soul,
They crumble like a sand fort.
They fail to realize
That for each ounce of blood they make you shed,
They lose about two.
They judge your soul
And kill their own.

I'm a rebel against society,
Or so I've been told...